Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Rainy days and Mondays always get me...wait, nothing gets me down...or up...

So this isn't really a funny or possibly even entertaining post but I'm stressing out (and obsessing, imagine that- 'cause I'm usually so calm about things) about it so I just want to get it down on paper (or, virtual paper I guess). I pulled a folder of the older writing that I did a few years back and I didn't recognize the author at. all. I was in awe of how her words flowed and her embedded humor made me jealous. Who was that girl? She was so funny and alive- where did she go?

I struggle to write my once a year Christmas letter now and I used to write every day. Not just the length of a Facebook status either, like actually write- with multiple paragraphs and semi-colons and stuff- and I loved it. I know I'm older...I don't want to talk about it but I know that but really? Like four years makes that kind of difference? I don't think so. I'm pretty sure that I can attribute this BLAHHHHHHH Sydrome to taking antidepressants. I was on two of them for a long time because apparently I was just that ridiculously sad...or crazy, whatever but two months ago I dropped one of them. I thought that was the answer because the one that I was left with was the one that I had done so well on in the past. Still though...numb...nothing...non highs, no lows...just here.

I'm not entirely sure how to explain it any better but it really concerns me that taking a medication can alter a person's emotions this much. I did just call my doctor to see him tomorrow- I'm open to getting off these all together or trying new medications but all I know is what's going on right now is not working.

Not that there are a whole lot of you out there (tap, tap, hellloooooo???) but anyone who has light to shed on the whole 'antidepressants are makig me numb and totally uncreative' please jump in on the comments........two friends have just suggested that I'm not depressed but going through menopause. Ummmm, exsqueeze me? Seriously? Am I THAT old?

Hell, whatever. If it takes away That Time of the Month then I say BRING. IT. ON.

But I say it without enthusiasm and very flatly because I lack the ability to actually get excited about things.

Suburbian Siren, who hopefully will figure out what makes her right in the head soon.


  1. I'm not on antidepressants at the moment and I'm not experiencing menopause, but I know how you feel. I have gone through periods (oh snap) of feeling like I just couldn't be creative at all and my writing was super dry and boring. I can't say whether that is affected by the antidepressants, really, because the writing I used to do that people seemed to enjoy most was when I was feeling very cynical, but didn't feel as if anything I did could possibly matter, so I just threw rocks at things in the news. People seemed to really like that, ranting and raving without any real purpose. But now I seem to lack the time or the motivation to rant like that and you can see for yourself how few comments I get. And you know where I mean (not here, but the other one.) People even emailed me to tell me how much they like when I'm angry because it's funny. I don't know that antidepressants make you less angry. Maybe they do. But what we all love about you is just how snarky you are, and how you look at things differently. You are just funny. Even when you don't think you're being all that funny, you are. Just give yourself some time, write whatever comes, and see if you start to get back into the groove again. We all change, and that affects what we write and how we write it. But that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. And besides, you'll always be hot. So there's that. ;-)

  2. I'm passing no judgement on meds. I know that depression is serious and that many people do indeed need them. With that experience.

    I've never been on anti-depressants but I've certainly been depressed and so have my kids. A couple of them have been on anti-depressants and oddly enough a side effect of anti-depressants is depression. It wasn't until CDQ went on anti-depressants that she became suicidal and homicidal. My depression loomed with CDQ's diagnosis (sociopath) and then my own diagnoses (Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia) but I also noticed that I was mourning the me before children. I, too, went back and read over my first blog when I was the "Freak Magnet" and I missed that girl who was so carefree and happy and now I'm saddled down with all this shit. It's been a tough go, I mean look at my URL, takenlife, isn't exactly subtle is it?

    I think as women, we have so much stacked on us and we take things much more personally (losses and failures) and are so afraid of fucking it up (excuse my french) that we turn into ourselves. Like a secret shame...why can't I get over this? Why can't I move on? Why can't I be perfect? Truly. This keeps weighing us down and over time we crack. Men on the other hand, they crack and it manifests in an ego and denial party. It becomes all about them and it's ok because that's expected but let a woman do that and we are selfish, right?

    We need to allow ourselves room to breathe, room to fail, room to hurt, room to mourn, room to ??? and we need to not be so hard on ourselves or care what other people think. In that process we also need to re-find ourselves because the truth is we have been lost, so much burying of feelings and masks worn on a daily basis will do that. If the people we are surrounded with can't understand that, then that is their problem. It doesn't matter if Talula bounced back after her loss or if LaQueefa is perfect at everything. We can miss our former selves without it meaning we are bad or heartless mothers... or that we don't love our children. If we need to mourn the loss of someone else or the loss of ourselves we need to just do it our way.

    It was a struggle for me to let my children and the internet see me that way, but I needed for my children to understand that it was ok. I couldn't train them to be another woman who hides within herself or to judge others for their needs. Ultimately, that is what makes us truly unhappy isn't it? The lies, the guilt, the anger, the sadness, etc... It's just a cycle.

    The meds are just a band aid because the wound underneath still remains, doesn't it?

    Anyhow, didn't mean to write a novel in your comments... people love/loved you because you were you. Don't worry about readership, write for you and it will all come together.

  3. Awwwwwww, I love you guys.....hey! You're not getting my Bud Light though so

  4. I have to agree with that last part, we love you just because you're you. We don't expect you to be a perpetual comedy show. We're here because of you. But I understand what you said about reading your old posts and wondering where that person went. I have done the same thing. I don't know where he went, but this is who I am now. We love who you are.

  5. I was reading an OLD book, First edition published in 1927, when I read the following paragraph and thought of You:

    "All History is a great river which is perpetually flowing into the present ... the past never really passes out of existence. It is always active in the life of the present. The person who recognizes this is a person of amazing erudition and one who takes a long period of time and brooding thought before they write."

  6. To The Wiz- I like that. I'm going to steal it and print it as a reminder. Thank you.

  7. I am feeling a lot of the same BLAHHHHHHH Sydrome, and there are no meds involved - although I have questioned the gluten free thing, less anxiety = less creative ranting, duh know.

    And then there is the whole shift to 140 characters in every other social network out there - have we been trained to limit our creativity? Remember Idle Ramblings? It was all about the ramble - but now, I just don't feel the ramble.

    I know, I know, you are going to tell me that it is all the relocation to the Midwest thing...but it starter before the relocation.

    It is not the same as it was back in 2004-2009, there are more people chatting, tweeting, commenting AND a lot less listening/ reading. The interaction is gone. You know when it hit me? We had been here a month and I had two different "friends" NOT KNOW we had relocated EVEN though they "read" FB everyday - superficial EVERYTHING!

    THAT is when I turned back to blogging. It is hard, I try to write every day. Sometime I just write and leave it in draft, but I do it to build the momentum again.

    It's not just you hun - its this subtle change we all got sucked into - glossy 140 word lives.

    {stepping off soap box}


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