Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Stupid...but effective

As we covered in yesterday's post I will be turning 40 this year. I think that's stupid but better than the alternative...I guess. Although there are days when I think that if I were dead I would at least be able to do some shit in peace- figuratively and literally, I guess. Yesterday I was hoping to be indisposed in the bathroom for a few moments- not to get graphic but as I tell my kids, "If it eats, it poops," and as you can reasonably conclude since I'm still alive (and turning 40), I eat...therefore...I poop.

Anyway, just like five minutes. That's all I wanted. When we built this house we decided that making our powder room (a/k/a half bath) a pass-through from the entry to the laundry room would be very convenient. Two pocket doors that easily slide open apparently make it way too convenient for my family to resist. My hopes for a five minute Time Out while I enjoyed emptying my bowels was a pipe dream and a half. Every single freaking person in my family was in that bathroom with me and the only reason the damn rabbit wasn't in there is because she's too afraid to come onto the ceramic tile.  Honestly- smelly...get out. Forget the privacy I'd love to have, save yourselves- smelllllly. Whatever- you deal with the consequences.

Where was I? Oh yes, occasionally wishing I was dead just so I could get things done without four other people 'helping' me which, believe it or not was not the point of this post at all.

Where I was originally going is that I'm not getting any younger and keeping my weight where I'm happy with it is becoming an increasingly difficult task.

Today I attempted to do a good job eating healthy, I started with water and oatmeal and then at 9:25 am my plan was shot to hell. Twins called and announced that she was coming over because her cleaners were coming and her dog, Twinkles, is afraid of the cleaners and could they come down.

But of course.

She shows up and hour later with a huge grocery bag- leftover Chinese and some cheesecake with fresh berries.


I am weak.

The rest of the day I was snacking. And for dinner we were on the run as usual and I had a Subway sub- flat bread, turkey, American cheese (because I can't cut the cheese...I mean I CAN cut the cheese but I can't cut it out of my diet- so sad am I for the poor people who are lactose intolerant), spinach, tomatoes and cucumbers with fat-free honey was good. Not as fabulous as my mayo laden preferential option but meh, it was edible. I had water instead of soda.

I mother fucking HATE eating healthy and I'm only on day #1. Stupid. So crabby.

Then THIS arrived at my house:


The Omron HBF-514C Full Body Composition Sensing Monitor and Scale. It seems innocent enough just sitting there on the bathroom floor.

This thing might be the most amazing machine since R2D2- no joke. It can tell me not only my weight (stupid), but my BMI, body fat %, skeletal muscle %, resting metabolism, body age and my visceral fat level. I thought I was amazed by weighing myself pre and post-poop on my regular-old-run-of-the-mill-digital-scale...this little guy might just rock my world.

I'm not happy with my weight right now- I get that I've been too thin in the past and don't want to go back there (I'm kind of just saying that but at this point I'd take it over my current state- gaining weight is easy- losing, meh...not so much) but this thing has given me hope in my numbers other than weight that what I've been doing at the gym for the last three years is working. My body fat and muscle information looks good- really good actually and motivates me for the BS that I just signed up for this session. I'm taking rumba for the first time ever. I'll probably look like a total asshole doing it but it has to be better than running.

As starving and freaking crabby as I am right now I am motivated to not eat like I might have this late at night just because I felt a twinge of hunger. Things are moving in the right direction...the unfortunate part about my OCD personality is that I must use the Omron 514 completely naked. If I thought I couldn't get any privacy whilst pooping I'm sure as hell not going to be able to use this thing without a certain family member I know who can sense when my clothes are off no matter how far away nor how busy he was moments before.

Privacy be damned.

SS, who is going to do some push-ups and jumping jacks and then go to bed a very crabby, yet somewhat satisfied, girl...

1 comment:

  1. Well, I don't know what to say about your double pocket door bathroom where your entire family apparently gathers to cheer you on while you poop, but I totally sympathize with the gym workouts. I can't sympathize with your success, though, as I had a personal trainer for a year and a half and he didn't get a single pound off me. Then I did bodypump for an additional year. No results. Nothing. Nada. No change at all. Then I started running crazy races - the Warrior Dash - climbing towers, swimming through mud, all that crazy stuff. It was fun, but it did nothing for my personal appearance or weight loss.

    I didn't know you used to be too thin. Then again, I've never met you in person. But I can sympathize with your husband sensing when your clothes are off and running to find you. He's no dummy. He married a beautiful woman.


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