Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Wherein I Go to the Grocery and Live to Tell About It

So the last month as has been somewhat of a mid-life crisis for me. The unfortunate part for me is that instead of buying some really unsensible (which is apparently not a word, but it should be) car that only fits me and a few shopping bags or getting a tummy tuck or a boyfriend...or anything fun really, I've decided to become healthier.

I know, sucks, right? It's like the time I got all knocked up and craved...fruit. Who the hell DOES that? I wanted to crave double-chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting or Big Macs...not fruit. Lame.

"Honest to God," I thought to myself when I realized what had happened, "you can't even do a Mid-Life Crisis properly." The moment I realized this I was staring at the 5 bazillion types of flours and starches made by Bob's Red Mill on the Woodman's shelf.

"You really are lame, you know that right? For the amount of money you're about to spend on this xantham gum and almond flour you could practically buy a little sporty Lexus or get rid of that extra skin the spawn left behind when you bore them," I chided myself.

"I know," I said solemnly. Head hung in shame.

The good news is the guy who was busy stocking the shelves had no idea what he was putting on the shelves and therefore didn't make eye contact with me because he was probably afraid he'd have to answer a question about which flour I should use for baking versus cooking so he just ignored the crazy lady talking to herself.

Despite that I had some oatmeal before going to the Woodman's I was STARVING by the time I got home. STARVING (said in the most pathetic manner...this is how Adeline says she's hungry every morning, even by traditional rabbit standards she is kind of over-dramatic). So I made myself a veggy patty (which is really more like veggie  spread by the time you get it off of the pan...mooshy but tasty), had some lentil chips (which really are quite yummy) and poured a Zevia Cola to drink. I have to wasn't that bad. I mean, it's not Big Mac but I didn't feel deprive. Here's my lunch (and Agnes's hand photo bombing).

Perhaps I didn't feel SO deprived because I wrapped it up with a few of these guys...
OK, so two is technically a serving but since I had nothing but somewhat healthy food for lunch I indulged in three. OK, totally honest? I indulge in three each time I eat these. I can't help it. They are somewhere between amazing and freaking orgasmic...I just can't stop myself.

Alright, tomorrow I will attempt to do some gluten-free cooking...wowza. The shit I do to try to get healthy and lose a bit of weight.

SS, who is proud of herself for not freaking out in the middle of Woodman's in sheer panic and terror...and I'm even weaning off of Cymbalta this week...see? big changes...


  1. WOW. You are healthy. I consider healthy an apple at midnight because it would normally be chips. I get super skinny every summer and gain ten pounds every winter. I start working it off in my pool even though it's twenty degrees in the water but eighty outside this time of year this week!

  2. Perhaps you are doing mid-life crisis by being healthier because you know you are still pretty hot and could be even hotter if you want to, whereas some people have given up all hope of reachieving hotness and decide instead to wrap their unhot bodies in 4100 pounds of gleaming Dodge Challenger with a big-ass engine and tinted windows? I'm just making a guess, of course. I wouldn't be talking about anyone in particular, or myself even.

    Speaking of words that should be words but aren't, I have two in that run-on sentence up there already. And I'm proud of it. We aren't people who misuse words. No, you and I are creative writers and creative writers create new words, dammit! Yep.

  3. Miss Julie- Let's not get crazy here. I am *trying* to be healthy...really I am. (Confession: I snuck a half a piece of gluten-laden cake tonight at dinner...I couldn't help it...I am weak)

    Naked Steve- (sigh) We are a special breed aren't we? Noam Chomsky himself should be consulting us on proper grammar usage. On another plane of thought I strive for hotness...I fall short frequently but I have a goal...I'm not sure that Playboy will be knocking my door down anytime soon unless they have a 'Hey, They're Almost 40, Have Had Three Kids and are Still Pretty OK' issue.


Oh c'mon, don't be shy, leave a know you wanna and honestly, you'd make my entire day and you want to have that warm fuzzy feeling don't you? Mmmk, thanks!