Monday, July 1, 2013

Day 1: The Shred

So I do love the maxi dress. I would marry it if I could and if you look in my closet it appears that we do have a very intimate relationship that would border on that marital status. But truth be told it's like my Woobie, my training wheels, my lovie, my security blanket...but it's a slightly unhealthy relationship. See I'm a user and the maxi is an enabler. I use it to cover all my insecurities and she enables me to keep looking the way I do. I could work out more but why bother when I can just cover it all up...hide it...look pulled together (thankyouverymuch in my adult onesie) but still be a mess underneath. 

When I got pregnant with Agnes I was under-weight. I always had been, not due to lack of eating mind you- genetically I was blessed. Even after two kids my body was still thin. I'll fully admit today that I was too thin. I look back at the pictures and yeah, I can for sure see it. But that was kind of my identity- I was always 'the thin one'. When I went out people commented on how tiny I was, "Oh you're so tiny!" or "Oh my gosh, you're so skinny!!" and that made me feel good. That identity is gone now, no one says that to me anymore...ever. I'm pushing 40, I've battled with anti-depressants, had three kids and generally not worked out like a machine. Three weeks ago I had a doctor tell me that I could consider Weight Watchers. Yup, almost died, right there in the office. From embarrassment, from a broken heart, from failure.

So here's the dealio...I have decided that in addition to being gluten-free for three months and having gone off my anti-depressant (which supposedly had the side effect of weight gain associated with it) I'm going to actually make a commitment. This commitment requires a bit of humility on my part and most of the reason I'm doing it is to keep myself accountable. Here today I will show you what I look like now (gawd...I could die...), tell you exactly what my measurements are and then hold myself accountable for the next 30 days as I allow Jillian Michaels to kick my ass in to shape. 

Mind you...I don't airbrush, I don't have a professional stylist (or maid- there will be no mention of the girls' crap on the tub behind me...shush) and I am SUPER vulnerable posting these but I feel like I must not be the only person in the world to be battling this and if I can find one person who is like, "OMG! That's what I'm dealing with!!! Let's be best work-out buddies on-line" I'd be super happy. OK, hell I'll be happy if you just don't gasp in disgust.

 Apparently the silent, lonely camera was too much for Gru to resist. He had to look at what I was doing (while I was getting my ass kicked in the basement) and play along...and no, he almost never touches sunlight so shield your eyes...he's kinda like Edward but not as sweet and sentimental.

So there you have it. The before . Andnow for the most humiliating starting weight. Oh. My. God.  (drumroll please)...138 lbs. at 5'5". There. There it is. That's what I was at like month 7 of each of my pregnancies. I don't want to talk about it.

My biggest areas that I would like to see improvement on are my Bingo Arms (you know, that shit on the bottom of your upper arm that waves and flaps like when an old lady hollers out, "BINGO!!!!!!" waving her arms to the caller????...WTF is that? I never had that until like last year, I'm not happy about it at all) and my thighs...they currently rub together under my maxi dresses. Me no likey. I wouldn't be pissed if my tummy tightened up either. You know, if I'm making a Wish List here.

OK, I've never been one to make a New Year's Resolution about going to the gym (mostly because up until five years ago I didn't need to so I didn't because I'm LAZY like that) and I've never been a dieter (says the girl who used to adore Cheetos and Oreos...but no more!!!! I haven't had an Oreo in months and same for Cheetos...I miss them a lot- although with having gone gluten-free I don't crave junk food anymore...kind sucks- you'd think I would have lost some weight from that...but no...nope, sure haven't!!!!) so I do not go into this promise lightly. My goal is to work through Jillian's 30 Day Shred five days a week. I know there's NO WAY I will make it seven days a week- I know that. But I can commit to Jillian 20ish minutes every day of the workweek to complete her program. Twenty minutes is doable- truth be told it's more than doable but with three small kids around it's what I can do every day. I used to take this ass-kicking 75 minutes class twice a week. I mean it was fucking hard and I loved it (I have those instructors to thank for my butt...they lunged and squatted me to death until my ass lifted up to where I always dreamed it would be) but it was long. SO long. 75 minutes.

DAY 1:
So I make my way to the basement (coolest part of the house...this is important to me...I don't like to be hot when I'm working out) and pop the DVD in. I let Jillian talk to me. I've never watched The Biggest Loser so I don't have a past relationship with her but immediately I like her. She's no bullshit but in a warm way. I like that.

The workout is the same format as my 75 minute class- mixture of cadio, sculpting and ab segments. It's familiar and I know I'm doing the exercises right because Janice and Sarah made sure we did them right. I appreciate that because if I'm going to go through the trouble I might as well get the most out of it, right? Jillian has three levels (Janice and Sarah used to call these 'Options'...they ALWAYS had options for us...they were super thoughtful like that- it was usually like Easy, Moderate and Pray for Mercy...) and tonight I started on Level 1 per Jillian's suggestion.

I think Level 1 was challenging tonight and I might do it for two more nights but I think I need to bump it up to Level 2 if I really want to see results- I was sweating and had to take a few five second breaks but for the most part I could push through the Level 1 option. My guess is that for my body to morph using only a 20 minute workout I need to push it a bit harder. I will allow myself two more days on Level 1 just because it's been a few months since I've really worked hard legitimately.

As you can see though I came out on the other side smiling. I promise this picture was taken after my workout. Even now an hour and a half later I can feel the salt from the sweat still on my body so I need to shower- there was definite blood pumping and perhaps tomorrow walking will be a little hard (crosses fingers). I always hope for that 'hurt'..."It's a good kind of hurt," Janice used to say smiling. Argh....

Suburbian Siren, who is off to shower before hitting the hay...and who also thanks you for joining her on this journey...


  1. Wow, wow-wow-wow. You have 3 kids, solved outfits forever, and now you're going to work out, too?? You are kickass! :D

    Must've been hard to be robbed of your self-identity in the doctor's office like that...but it motivated you, so you reacted really positively!

    I lost about 60 pounds 2 years ago, over a 6-months span - it was really tough, especially the last 5, but I've kept to goal weight ever since! The program I used to budget my biz was LoseIt, a free website/app to count calories, weigh in, log exercise and keep in touch with others on the same journey - sort of a dieter's Facebook.

    I'm still on it on a daily basis - secret to staying on target weight is to stay aware and accountable! - so if you want to be LoseIt buds, I am so literally there for ya. But even if you don't, keep logging here and you'll get Comments cheers!

    Fun fact: your legs look better in that photo than mine @ 16, much less now, @ 27. Like dang, lady. Also? The goal weight I strove to reach and maintain, that I'm so proud of? 135. And I'm 5'7", not so much taller than yourself. Just sayin'...don't be too down on your situation. You're doin' good already. And with that after-workout smile, I'd say victory is assured.

    Now, go go go! Yayyyyyyyyy SubSi!

  2. Kana- You are too kind...I owe my legs and butt to Janice and Sarah but I owe my inner thighs to my laziness. Congrats to you on your monumental weight-loss and more importantly being a healthier you! I'm impressed with the keeping it off. As for the weight- I'm numbers drive- I know I shouldn't be but it's a mental thing I can't get over...I supposed it's more important for me to be watching for changes in shape and inches but I know I'll always watch the scale too. Lame, I know. Thanks for your support- more appreciated than you know! :)

  3. OK, you're still hot. I know you may not feel hot, but I'm a man and that's for me to decide. Yep, you're still hot.

    Second, anti-depressants are total assholes with the weight gain. They put it on you and then somehow it doesn't ever seem to want to come off. It's ironic because few things are more depressing than getting fat and hating the way you look in the mirror. You'd think they'd figure this out and make anti-depressants that take the weight off you. That'd cheer up most people right there.

    Third, you're still hot. I had to say it again just because. Still hot. You're like my neighbor. She's had four kids and still looks like she's never had any kids at all. She said it's just in her DNA and that her family is all that way. You must be related or something.

    Still hot.


Oh c'mon, don't be shy, leave a know you wanna and honestly, you'd make my entire day and you want to have that warm fuzzy feeling don't you? Mmmk, thanks!