Tuesday, November 19, 2013

I don't even deserve the cigarette than I so willingly earned...

Last week my cute cheeky OB/GYN was like, "Yup honey, you're old and it's time to get those titties checked out."

I was all, "Ouch. Ouch, man. That hurts. Not the act of the mammogram but the fact that I'm like old enough to even qualify for that kind of shit."

She was like, "Too bad, so sad. You're not dead and if you don't want to be you'll go get the twins peeked at. End. Of. Story."

Meh. I made the appointment and didn't think about it too much other than to tell my SIL, Jane, that I was doing it.

"Wow! I can't wait for when my time comes because if the technician can pop these suckers I get new implants on the insurance company's dime."

That WAS worth getting excited over. Saving $6k? Huh, good point, I thought. I packed an overnight bag in my car right away in case that happened (and then I crossed my fingers really tightly).

This morning I got up and had to figure out what to wear. It couldn't be too fussy because I'd have to undress and redress in this room. On the other hand you have the fact that I live in Wisconsin and it's hella cold outside right now so it was fo' sho' going to need to be more than a tank top (note to self: next time move somewhere warm or reschedule for summer months...but remember to NOT wear a maxi dress).

I came up with this.

I love these neon corduroy's because they are a spot of brightness and funshine in our eight months of winter.

And this sweater? I don't know why I bought it. It had polka-dots on it and was pretty thick for a cardigan...looked warm (BONUS!!!! It had long sleeves instead of 3/4 length sleeves!) and cute but I had NO use for it. Today might actually be the first time I've worn it in over a year because up until this point I couldn't make it work. Not only did I make it work in a fashion sense but I also MADE it work because I needed a hundred little yellow polka-dots sending their sunshine down on me today for the dreaded mammogram.

I will spare you all the details but here are a few things of note:
1. There is a lot of manipulation in a mammogram...lots.
2. It didn't hurt at all.
3. You can see your boob on the tray through the clear plastic plate which is kind of funny but I kept getting in trouble because I'd look down at my squishy boob and then my chin would be on the image instead of the expected subject (read: boob).

After the nice soft-spoken, ridiculously patient technician had bid me adieu- which was all I got, a "good-bye" no sticker, no lollipop and no cigarette which I truly felt I had earned after that much intimacy- I headed on my way like I hadn't just been completely felt up by a total stranger.

I went to my safe place- Target.

Now to be honest with you since we are unsure as to whether or not we're moving I've been in a stalemate as to whether or not to buy things. I've been leaning toward the 'not buying things' and heavily into 'purge the hell out of any room I can' methodology of releasing my nervous energy. So why head to Target where you spend money on crap you know you don't need?

Excellent question.

Because apparently Agnes and I are responsible for bringing a bag of potatoes to her Thanksgiving celebration feast whateveritis in Kindergarten. AND wouldn't you know I just went to the World's Largest and Cheapest Grocery Story YESTERDAY before the letter with our contribution came home. Of course I did.

That is why I was going to Target. Now almost every Target in the free world has a grocery section which makes it nice for days like this when you NEED a bag of potatoes to be turned into the school by tomorrow.

But then as long as I was there and still recovering from my boobage manipulation I decided to walk around and see if there were things that I might need (silly thought...there are always things we NEED at Target even if they aren't on our list or if we don't even know they exist until we actually see them on the shelves and then pick them up and fondle them for a bit).

I like to cruise the end-caps because that's where the Clearance items like to hang out and wait patiently for new homes. These are the items that have been replaced by the latest and greatest of the new season, poor, poor clearance items.

My sunshiney polka-dotted sweater shone brightly at Target. I got a super cute Audrey Hepburn t-shirt (perfect for under a black blazer! $4.98) and then this...oh...my...my...$11 for a cute throw? Well, let's pick it up and see. I mean it's cute and it would go with my pillow covers...hmmmm...

Now here's what I don't get, if it WAS $7.48 why is it now $11.46? Really? They raised the price and though we wouldn't...

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!! This darling soft throw that I had no idea I needed until this very second is NOT $11!!!! It's $1.86! Uh, yes please. I DO need this.

(Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I think that was my reward for making sure that I really did follow through on my mammogram appointment...thank you Shopping Goddess!)

After that I hit a few thrift shops. Here's the thing, when I got thrifting I expect to come home empty handed. It's hard to go and have expectations when you are relying on what people donated to stock the store. I have been on the hunt for a Gap/Old Navy navy blue checked shirt for a few weeks now. It seems like the thing I see all the time while I'm thrifting...except when I need it.

First stop today was St. Vinnie's. They were having a designer handbag event. I couldn't go there, I looked but as much as I wanted to believe they checked to make sure those were real Kate Spades I was over it. Instead of a found a super cute black lace peplum top...it's so cute that I already own it in cream but love the way it hangs out of outfits so for $4.14 it was mine!

Then I hit Savers. I wandered around for a long time and found nothing. I found some 'almost' things but then they weren't quite right. As I was about to leave the store I thought I'd hit the first rack I started at 'just in case' I had missed something in my shell-shocked state that I often begin each thrift store with-- and then out of nowhere...there...it...was...

The elusive Gap navy blue checked shirt for $7.99...in my size...tried it on and it fit!!!!! Truly I have been rewarded handsomely for keeping my mammogram appointment today. I mean really, I don't even feel entitled to that cigarette anymore.

SS, who might just make a mammo appt. every month if these kinds of bargains are the reward...


  1. Have you ever noticed that all the ugly, scary people go to WalMart, and all the beautiful, pretty people go to Target ... mostly to avoid the ugly, scary people? It's true. Target is like an unspoken private club where they raise a few prices just a little to keep the uglies out, and it works like a membership card or something.

    So anyway, Target always gets me with their DVDs. I go in to buy a pencil and walk out with $100 in DVDs and a $0.25 pencil.

    I like the green pants. You have style.

  2. I have my boob squashing appt in Jan...after I coughturnhack4spitcough0hack...that hurt typing it....and my closest target is an hour away...bitch....anyway CUTE Outfit...love the pants :)

  3. why the f are all my words spaced like that ??? Weird

  4. Naked Steve- I do wonder about that. I priced a bunch of things between Target and Wal-Mart once and really there wasn't much of a difference but the clientele sure as hell is different.

    Steph- I'm sorry for you and your Target. That is not cool...no only are you not in TX anymore but you're also an hour from Target...that just seems super wrong.

  5. Oh and P.S. Naked Steve...that's how it ALWAYS goes..you go in for one thing and come out with a dozen more...I think the pump crack cocaine into the air there...or something.

  6. You should have seen me on Black Friday. Target opened Thursday night at 8 and I only went in to hang with my best friend and his family. I left with $200 worth of crap. And then we went to Best Buy! Oh Lord, I am broke.


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